OPEN LETTER - To the BBC at Glasto

I'm proud to introduce the first of our series of open letters.

This is by Norman Tupwitt and is addressed to the BBC production staff at Glastonbury.

• Sound guys - remember that with today's modern digital effects (24 bit over-sampling etc) you can still make the whole event sound like it is recorded in a public lavatory.
• Vision Mixers - always cut to the pretty girl with the pert breasts, sitting on her boy friend's shoulders mouthing the words to a song she has never heard before when you are at a loss for the next shot
• Camera Men - Especially the one who no one likes with the long zoom, the shot of zooming out from Glastonbury Tor back to the field is a classic
• Presenters - Make sure you have the gamma (colour balance) right. It should be one photogenic whitey and one photogenic darky. It does not matter where you are from but always remember to use a fake regional accent
• Editors - You have at least 30 minutes to edit so why don't you?
• Other Crew - Remember to get your expenses in before the end of the month